Blog - Reflecting on International Day of Families

In the next of her series of blogs, our Women’s Involvement Advisor Lilly Lewis reflects on International Day of Families held annually on 15th May. She explores the role her own family has played in her life, and explains the challenges for women in prison in maintaining or creating relationships with friends and family.

Lilly Lewis, Women’s Involvement Advisor, One Small Thing

Prior to going to prison, family to me felt like disappointment and heartache. I felt that, as I was abandoned at birth, I had never known what it was like to have a blood relative – what it was like to look like someone, or to have a similar personality as a parent, brother or sister.

This made me feel completely unloved. I felt that I was always searching for acceptance from my parents who adopted me. I was always looking for reassurance that I was pleasing them and that they loved and wanted me. When I would ask my adoptive dad, why I'd been left by my birth mum he would say, ‘she didn't want you’. The real reason I was abandoned was because my birth mum had an affair whilst her husband was in prison, and as I wasn’t his and was born with brown skin, I wouldn’t be accepted by him or his family.

When I had my own children, I was determined that they would grow up understanding the meaning of family. When I met a new partner I would do whatever I could to try to keep the family together. I believed that when my partner started controlling who I saw including my family, it was a sign of love and being wanted, rather than domestic abuse. When I lost my children to the local authority, I felt disgust, shame and self-loathing. The one thing I'd always wanted, my own family, had been taken from me and the hardest part of all was that this was due to the choices I had made.

When I arrived in prison my adoptive parents said they ‘had washed their hands of me’. Social services said my two youngest children didn't want to visit me in prison (which I now know wasn't true) – I didn't see my youngest two children for 22 months.

My idea of family became further shattered. Every Saturday and Sunday I would watch all the other women getting ready doing their hair and makeup in anticipation of seeing their family, friends, loved ones and children. I couldn't understand why nobody visited me - this further enforced my feelings of worthlessness, and being unwanted, unloved and abandoned.

I started going to chapel and built a relationship with God and with the other women who went to Church. This was the only time I felt I belonged and was part of a family. I eventually got confirmed at HMP Drake Hall. The Bishop of Stafford came to the prison - it was the first time this has been done in 17 years. The ceremony was the only time my Mum visited me in prison.

Whilst in prison I eventually learnt that family doesn't mean a blood relative to everybody. Family means the people you can depend on, who love you no matter what. 

The criminal Justice system is currently failing women, families and children. Women caught in the criminal Justice system who have committed an offence have usually experienced some form of trauma, with over 50% of women having been the victim or survivor of domestic abuse. Once sentenced to prison, women are affected by the stigma of offending, often lose their homes, and face real financial hardship.

Women are more likely to be the primary caregiver, and those who are sentenced to short terms see a huge knock-on effect on their children and families.

The biggest challenge that women in prison face in maintaining or creating relationships, is a lack of understanding and empathy from the prison system. Due to staff shortages, and made even worse through covid, women can be locked up for periods as long as 23.5 hours.

Being locked up for long periods of time does not allow women to contact children, family and friends on the telephone. Some wings may house more than 40 women with access to only one or two phones. I believe all cells should house their own phones. Women should also have access to some kind of video calling system so that every evening women are able to see their children’s faces. This would also allow children to see that mum is okay before they go to bed.

When women are eligible for release on temporary licence (also known as ROTL), there’s so much red tape, and women have to justify their relationship with whoever they want to see. The prison policy states that you have to prove that the reason for your release on temporary license is for building or maintaining family ties. However, family means different things for different people. For some, maintaining family ties could mean you wanted to see a good friend or a foster parent, for example.

Another huge challenge for women in prison and their families is social services. My situation was not isolated - other women who were trying to work with social services always felt like it was a fight. I fully understand that social service's role is to protect children, however to protect children it is paramount that they also have a good relationship with Mum. As long as Mum is not a danger to her children, social services should do everything they can to maintain as much contact between mothers and children as possible.

Research on care leavers has shown that over 20% go to prison, and they make up large numbers in the female estate. This shows the effect of growing up in the care system. My own daughter was placed in independent living at 16. She was unable to go to college as she had to work to pay her bills. 

In order for women and children to have better outcomes once being affected by the criminal justice system, we have to recognise and realise that community-based rehabilitation is the only way we will see a reduction in crime. Once we start working alongside women in a trauma informed way and whilst addressing the overlapping issues marginalised women face - such as domestic abuse, substance misuse, financial difficulties and mental health - only then will we be truly supporting women and children to maintain family ties. 

My message to women in prison today who are feeling isolated from family and loved ones is to journal every day. Write something, even if it's on prison paper or an old notebook. Write something about how you're feeling, and how you're missing or thinking about your family at home. I found it really helpful to write things down - it's also something your children can read when they are old enough to understand. 

I used to spend hours visualising the life that I live today. I have a great relationship with my children and parents. I live with my amazing partner. I have a job supporting women who have faced homelessness, and I work for One Small Thing raising awareness of changes we need to make in the criminal justice system. I have beautiful and supportive family relationships. I embrace International day of families this Sunday the 15th May.