Blog - The role of friendship in the justice system

Lilly Lewis, Women’s Involvement Advisor, One Small Thing

In the next of her series of blogs, our Women’s Involvement Advisor Lilly Lewis reflects on National Best Friend Day, held annually on 8th June. She describes meeting her best friend during her time in prison, and explores the role friendships can play for women in the criminal justice system.

When I was at HMP Askham Grange, I was a Samaritan’s Listener and would always be on hand to speak and listen to any of the women who needed support. I would speak to them in the chapel as it was quiet, and they would be able to speak confidentially to me.

When I first met my best friend, she was crying, and she asked if I could speak with her. We went into the chapel and she explained how her Offender Manager had refused her Childcare Resettlement Leave as she had not been the primary carer for her daughter just before coming into prison.

She disclosed to me that she had experienced a deeply traumatic incident at work. This had a huge impact on her life, the effects of which ultimately led to her being arrested. She was sentenced to just under four years.

As soon as I met her, I really liked her. She seemed very authentic and we clicked straight away. She was the first person I met that I felt I could have a friendship with.

In prison I very quickly learned I was unable to trust many women. It became clear that any emotion shown would be taken as a weakness by many. Sadly, there is also lot of bullying and women manipulating other women to gain things - food, coffee, even clothes. 

However, when you do find a friend that you can trust and share things with, they can help you through your sentence. In my own circumstance, I didn't have any family support and my friend became like family to me. She would always check in on me ensuring I was okay, and I would do the same for her. We would go to the gym together or the coffee shop, and just were always there for each other. 

In order for prisons to support women to maintain friendships inside and outside of prison, they need to understand the importance of friendship to some women. For some a friend is as important as, if not more important than a family member. 

However, friends can also be controlling, and some do not know how to be a good friend. These may seem like basic things to most people, however so many women in prison who have been affected by the criminal justice system haven’t had positive examples in their lives to learn from.

I think prisons should be working with women around healthy relationships with friends, not just their partners. Friends can help you through so much and having a good friend in prison is hard to come by.

When looking at rules around visits and release on temporary licence, I feel that the rules need to be adapted. If somebody doesn’t have a blood relative to go to, their friends should be considered as a place for women to go to and build community ties. If a woman is a parent, even if she was not the primary carer before prison, and is working towards building her relationship with her children, she should be considered for Childcare Resettlement Leave, allowing her into the community to spend time with her children early on in her sentence. Allowing friends, as well as family, to support this process would give women more opportunities to support their children and build community ties before release.

In my own case, my daughter was due to come and live with me when she turned 16, however as I was incarcerated a month later, this could not happen. This meant she was pushed into independent living at the age of 16. If I had been able to support her earlier through Childcare Resettlement Leave, I would have been able to give her the emotional support she needed by being with her in the community much earlier in my sentence. This would have alleviated some of the issues she faced and given her far more support surrounding her mental health.

We should be using all the tools available to us to support women into the community, including understanding the important role friendships can play in women’s lives.

Today my friend has a great job and has just bought her own home. She has a new partner and a baby boy - my beautiful godson. We talk less frequently now than we used to, however I will always be there for her. We don't even talk about prison because our lives have totally moved on. We went through a very tough situation together but found a great friendship along the way.